Masks

Project Description

When I look back on my life, something that stands out to me is how many different masks I’ve worn in different periods of my life. Most of them were given to me. Some of them I put on myself. I think one of the reasons why I liked Halloween so much when I was growing up was that it was a chance to put on a mask of my own choosing – I could be whatever I wanted to be instead of wearing the masks I needed to wear just to survive. See, I learned early on in life how important it was for me to wear a mask.

When my dad died when I was 10, I learned that I had to mask my emotions and my true feelings. I had to be the rock for my family who was falling apart emotionally, so I learned how to wipe my face clean of emotions and pretend it would all be ok. In fact, the first thing I told my grandma when she saw us coming off the plane en route to my father’s funeral was, “it will all be ok.” She loved telling that story at the wake as I walked around from person to person with her, and that helped make the mask even more rigid.

That mask made it hard to open up to people. That emotionless mask protected me from pain – it was like armor I used to keep myself away from closeness, but as a result it kept up a barrier from really getting close with too many people. With anyone really. People would call me aloof, but I knew it was really the mask that I was projecting out to the world to keep myself safe on the inside. I needed the emotionless mask to keep myself from being too vulnerable.

Vulnerability meant getting hurt. When I tried to let my emotionless mask fall, I would inevitably get hurt by someone close to me. Or I was questioned on why I was getting so emotional – there was no need for me to want to cry, I should man up, I mean, it goes on and on. Vulnerability was a weakness that was to be exploited according to my childhood – I had to wear the mask and pretend everything was all right. So I adjusted the straps so the mask was a little tighter and never took it off.

The mask remained throughout my high school years, but the reason for wearing the mask changed. The mask morphed from needing to be completely emotionless to needing to be something of a chameleon. I had to fit in, and as a result, I couldn’t be my true self.

It wasn’t ok for me to like feminine things. I had to wear the mask of masculinity that patriarchy forced on me.

It wasn’t ok for me to be an atheist. I had to wear the mask of humble acceptance of fundamentalist Christianity that was forced on me.

It really wasn’t ok for me to be gay. I had to wear the mask of heterosexuality that South Georgia society, all around me in society frankly, forced on me.

Mask after mask got layered on until they became just one harsh armor that I had to keep up to be safe. Not just emotionally safe, not just physically safe, but spiritually safe. And I wore those masks for a long, long time. I wore those masks for far too long.

I think we can all relate to how we have had to wear masks from time to time in our lives. How we’ve had to hide a part of who we truly are or what we truly believe for a time, maybe forever. I’m willing to bet that most of us in this room, if not all of us in the room, are wearing a mask of some sort this morning.

The world can be a scary place. It can be hard to be our true authentic selves 100% of the time – heck, I think it’s impossible, but I’m willing to be proven wrong.

But what is possible is to go through life letting your mask off from time to time, and being your authentic self. It means opening yourself up to vulnerability, which is not an easy thing to do. <take off mask, start scratching>

The first time I took my mask off was when I started to come out to some friends in high school. I know the proper term is coming out of the closet, but for me, it really felt like I was able to drop the mask of straight bravado and let people get a glimpse of who I really was. I’ve always associated coming out with feelings of letting someone see behind the mask.

I started to take off more of my masks when I got to college and for the first time thought it was really ok to be gay. I took off a lot more of my masks when I started going to my first UU congregation in Atlanta. And even the masks I continued to wear started to change. I don’t know if it was society becoming more progressive than south Georgia in the mid 90s, or if I was starting to accept more of myself, but my default mask started to change. <put on mask>

Yes, I still have a mask I wear. But it’s far from the emotionless mask I used to wear. This mask is becoming closer to my true self. I eventually was able to scratch away most of the emotionless, but I admit some of it is still there. My first instinct is always to draw inward and hide behind the label of introvert, even though I’m able to fight that instinct now.

The masks we learn to wear in childhood are always the hardest to overcome. Masks are some of our earliest defense mechanisms when someone tells us we aren’t quite good enough to be who we really are.   Sometimes we end up wearing a mask for so long we forget it’s a mask and that it really isn’t who we are on the inside.

If there’s one wish I had for all of our Unitarian Universalist congregations and communities, it would be that we become a place where each and every person felt comfortable and safe enough to take off their masks, even if it is just for an hour every Sunday morning. Because we all know how exhausting it is trying to keep a mask on all the time. We all know how frustrating it can be when we try to get someone to see us through all the masks we wear. And we all know how refreshing it can be when we are able to take off our masks, breathe for a moment, and be surrounded by love.

So this Halloween when we normally think of putting on masks, I want you to think about how you can take yours off. The first step is trying to figure out what masks you’re even wearing that might be keeping people from seeing the real you. What are you afraid to let someone know? What are you keeping hidden from someone you care about? What are you keeping hidden from yourself?

After you’ve figured out the masks that you’re wearing, then comes the hard part. Letting your mask slip just a little bit and becoming the person you truly are. It’s not easy, but it’s something that we all need to do from time to time. And this community of love here at the Fellowship is just the safe place you need to let your mask fall. Join me in taking off our masks and simply, become.

Thank you.